Dear God, I pray no one else is listening.

I think I should put it out there that I do NOT like to pray out loud. There I said it. I am so uncomfortable when doing it and feel as though I'm on display to those around me. I know what you're thinking. But, I'm a self conscious person. Always have been, and unfortunately, this silly little idiosyncrasy has spilled over into my abilities to talk to God in a corporate manner. Try as I may, I clam up and my entire vocabulary slips away from me. Even worse, Ian isn't fond of praying out loud either.

Dinners start out every time with us holding hands and casting lots on who's gotta do it this time. We're getting better. I heard one time about five years ago that those who pray together, stay together, so we've made it a goal to make it a normal thing that we enjoy doing together. Something learned from marriage is the necessity to be transparent. I think I'll get into that more in the coming posts, but for now, I'll focus on transparency to my spouse and, of course to God.

The last few days, a combination of stress, worry and allergies have gotten the best of me, and it's rearing it's ugly head in me physically. (speaking of transparency) Ian has been understanding, letting me just lay low. Yesterday, this ailment combo even got the best of my Type A tendencies, and I had to be okay with Ian going grocery shopping. Something that hasn't happened in our 6 months of marriage. Partly it's my need to feel I'm in control, and mostly it's because I actually enjoy grocery shopping. I know, he's lucky isn't he? After he had been out for a while, no doubt studying his product knowledge in the produce aisle, (another reason I have suddenly enjoyed shopping in solitude) I realized that I should be thankful that he is willing to step foot in a grocery store and then cook dinner.

So last night, we bowed our heads and I started to pray. I realized that I have gotten so wrapped up in "have nots" and "not haves" that I forget to thank God for the "already haves" and the "undeserved." So as I'm praying playing a rousing game of mental word search, Ian interrupts, (is that even legal?) and says he has something to say too.

WHAAA???

***FLASH BACK***

I'm remembering a time a few months ago when Ian said, "Dear God, thank you for the food. Thank you for Baker (the dog) and football. Amen."

*******

Now, I'm not one to judge what is on a person's heart that they feel needs brought to the Lord. That's between them and the Lord Almighty. But that prayer just kills me.

*******

Back to yesterday's prayer. He proceeded to give thanks for me, and he lifted me up in prayer to remember that God's in control and that finances are something to be mindful of, but not fret over. He asked specifically for needs pertinent to us now and patience for receiving those needs if God knows they are not so pertinent.

Praying for each other is nothing new to our relationship, but he seemed to know what I needed to hear at just the right moment. Some of it was encouraging, and some convicting. All good. And, I think it's interesting that God didn't put two people together, one of them struggling to pray aloud and the other not. There'd be no room for growth in either of us if that were the case.

So, today I'm choosing to be blessed. I'm choosing to be patient and trusting of the Lord's timing. We'll see what tomorrow brings, but not until tomorrow.

Extravagant (Dog) Love

About this time last year, Ian and I went to the Humane Society. As far as I was concerned, we were just going to "look". Never having that bond that dog people get with furry, four-legged creatures that don't speak English, I thought I was immune. Truth be told, you cannot walk into a place lined with 5X7 cells for DOGS and just "look". But that's all I was going to do. Ian on the other hand, had something else in mind. I learned weeks later that so did God.


We strolled the hallways full of loud, jumpy, scary looking dogs. I continued passing each fence, hoping I had some hand sanitizer in the car. Nothing was catching my eye. That was until we found Koda in the waaaaay back. She was a sweet, calm, quiet newfoundland mix that had me at hello. She was also already adopted and was just waiting for her new family to pick her up. We both liked Koda, and planned to call in a few days to see if she was still there. My mind was made up, if Ian was going to adopt a dog, I wanted it to be Koda, and no one else was going to do.

Then, a few cells down at #8, there was this huge, sad, icky, rough around the edges looking dog. He even had a skin infection that made him even less appealing. *GROSS* Ian fell in love. I grimaced. He didn't look friendly, or cute or cuddly. And he wasn't Koda. Luckily, he also wasn't adoptable.

The next week we went back and Koda was long gone. We wandered and eventually came upon cell #8. In just a weeks time, he was healthier, happier, his tail was wagging and he had even become the favorite amongst many Humane Society employees. And...he was suddenly adoptable. I wasn't sold, but it was clear Ian had been thinking about Baker all week long. A few days later, Ian rescued him and I wondered how much longer I had before the dog out-weighed me. (Not long, in case you're wondering.) Baker only had to pin me up against the wall on his hind legs a few times before I came around to him.

After the wedding, we became a family. Baker was dependent on us for everything. For two people just starting out in adulthood, he was the first being that we had to put before ourselves and consider in all major decisions. He was also our entertainment. Countless hours were spent walking, staring, cuddling, cleaning slobber and admittedly, chasing him. I was in love. We even talked about how much we missed him while we were on our honeymoon. Whaaaa???

He was not only a part of the plan to move to New York. But every plan we made centered around him. We drove so that he wouldn't have to fly with cargo. We chose the home we are in so that he would have enough room to run and play and be a dog. When it was time to look for a new car, we even based our decision around what he would fit in. We were so excited to bring him out here, and were heartbroken when we suddenly had to make a quick decision, on the morning of our move to not bring him with us.

Every cow along I-90 made me think of Baker. When we got here, every place we came across seemed like a place Baker would love. We were sad to leave our families and I had months of crying over that, but the decision to leave Baker behind was swift and a complete shock to the system. We cried a lot not understanding why someone who was such a part of our plan, could no longer be in the picture.

I still wish he could be here with us and quite honestly, the house is boring without him. As I type this, I wonder how ridiculous it might sound to a person who thinks it was just a dog. That might be true, but in any situation it seems to be devastating when we find out that our plan never really coincided with God's plan.

As I go through each day, asking my God what it is that He wants me to do out here, some days I'm left with little understanding. One thing that I know to be true, I seek to serve a God that is trustworthy and patient. Even when I am struggling to trust and be patient with Him. I don't know His plan for me yet, professionally. I think for now, I'm meant to be a loving, supportive wife to a guy with an entirely too busy schedule that is doing the best he can to balance a student's life with a that of a husband's. And as I press on towards the goal of employment, enduring the humiliating task of job searching, let's face it, it is humiliating, I remember that God is our ultimate provider. He's bigger than me, He's bigger than Baker and He's bigger than any fear or anxiety that you or me could ever think up.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Pictures courtesy of Christina Klas

http://www.christinaklas.com/