Desperately Seeking New Roommate

Man and woman seeking third roommate for a three bedroom, fully furnished, 1 1/2 bath house. Roommate must be non-smoker, no more than 8 lbs, and 2 feet tall. We are serious about the health and wellness of your lifestyle, but are pretty relaxed when it comes to behaviors such as crying, fussing, spitting up, as well as any behaviors that are caused by teething, colic or ear-infections. We will even be willing to work around a non-potty trained tenant. House includes dishwasher, washer, dryer, and house keeper. We will even feed and clothe you. Heat and hot water is also included in the rent of $000.00. However you will be responsible for constant entertainment and cuddling. What's not like about this offer? Come on "down" and we'll show you what life can be like "out" here in Lakewood. Centrally located next to grandparents, and not too far away from even more grandparents. Schools, parks, Sunday school and Black Bear Yogurt are just a stroll away. We ask that you give fair warning of a few hours (but not much more than that) of your arrival. Arriving late will not be tolerated and you may be penalized by never being put down. Ever. As we all become more comfortable with each other, we ask that in return for the great price on rent, you pick up more responsibilities along the way. But those can be discussed at a later time. Privileges will also be offered in exchange for your good behavior. Eighteen year lease required. Please don't hate us when this is all over.