About a year ago, I was embarking on the unknown. It was the week before our wedding. I'm sure there were some last minute preparations happening, with dedicated people right in the thick of it. I wasn't one of them. I don't remember planning all that much. I had inherent planners all around me to do that. I had bigger fish to fry. I was the one getting married after all. The bachelorette party was the most fun ever, the ceremony was amazing and the reception was the time of my life.
Nobody ever really knows what they are in for on there wedding day. I was no exception. One year later, what I can say is that I had no idea the blessing that I was so freely given.
We were reminded that day that Ian and I were created and prepared for each other; that God made a union in us in order to show in a big way, just a little bit of how much He loves us. Marriage is unconditional because love is. Ian was reminded humorously that God had been preparing him for the "handful that is Katelyn."
Actually, I can't argue with that statement. I AM a handful. There's a lot about me that is probably sometimes hard to love, but Ian loved the worst parts right out of me. No, I'm not perfect, I still have a lot of faults. But the person that I am today is not the same hardened, guarded soul that I was a year ago. The very things that I found to be hard to love about myself, he overlooked and loved me anyway.
This has been an interesting and surprising year. Some really great things and people that we didn't expect have blessed our lives tremendously. We've also met hardship and heartache that we didn't anticipate. I caught myself wondering if everyone had it wrong when they said that the first year would be the hardest. Maybe it's the second. But I think that even if this was the best year of our life together, or the worst thus far, there is nothing to say that the best or worst is still yet to come.
It's really hard, but it's a good place to be. If there's something better coming our way, (which I do believe there is) and I believe we are on the cusp of just the beginning, then we can rejoice in the amazing gifts and blessings. If there is more heartache and suffering, then we're prepared. We are persevering, and more importantly we are clinging to the One who brings peace and hope.
My favorite shows of all time are Friends and Gilmore Girls. My favorite actresses in those shows are Jennifer Aniston and Lauren Graham, respectively. They are two amazing artists that struggled in their adult youth to find their spot in adulthood. They worked really hard at their craft, with little return for a long time. They just needed that break. Now as a culture, we seem to care a little too much about every detail of their lives. After a million* resumes, I'm feeling ignored and maybe even misunderstood. I just need that break. It will come. I know.
In the meantime, Ian told me to stop being so strong. I didn't get it. Strong is what I know. It's either strong, or tears, and the latter is not going to solve anything. But what I'm finding is that the former isn't solving anything either. In the Bible, David wasn't strong on his own, but with God he was mighty. He defeated Goliath with one stone. I think I'm coming around to the difference between brave and strong. They sound similar, but are different. Bravery got David to say yes, strength defeated Goliath. David was brave, but strength only came when he asked of it from God. I'm finding myself at a place where I need to stop finding strength in myself to survive, and rather, be brave in order to step outside my comfort zone and use strength from God so that I can be victorious.
It's a tough concept to break and re-build. But I think I'm on my way.
*not an exaggeration
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