Uh-Oh I Missed Curfew Again

Where have I been?

I wish I could say I've been too busy with life to even think about blogging. Never believe a blogger that says that, 'cause let's face it: the busy bloggers are the good bloggers with good blogs.

Nope. Life has been equal parts busy, boring, blissful, stressful, scary and probably bloggable. But I've been in a (several) months long writer's rut. Or really, a life rut.

See, I think that I left New York, where this whole bloggy journey began, and I moved close to where most of my readership lives, and I. Got. Scared.

Scared.

What if I wrote something that sucked and you read it, and we were standing in front of each other, both knowing that I wrote a crappy post, but neither one of us was willing to say it out loud? It was just there.

You: You suck, Katelyn.
Me: I know.

What if all I could ever think to write about was Hazel because I didn't want to be vulnerable anymore on the world wide web and then be standing in the same room as you?

What if what I wrote was wrong, or miss understood?

What if you suspected from reading this blog that maybe I don't have it all together, and then we were in the same room and your suspicions were proven true?

What if what if what if what if....

What if I wrote something and then didn't live it? And you saw it.

I've found that I do this at work, too. I let myself think that I could never perform to the standards that EVERYONE else could meet because what if I was really good at it, and so then I was promoted and then I sucked at my new job. Or, I WAS good at it, so I was promoted to a new new job and began to lead a successful professional life? All the while thinking that I really sucked.

It's kind of like when I used to snowboard.....

I would get on the chair lift. While on the chair lift, I would worry the whole time about properly exiting the chair lift. I would worry so much that when the time came to exit, I would just make myself fall...in case I was going to fall anyways.

Then, while going down the mountain, I would start to pick up some speed. But then, I'd being going so fast, that I began to fear falling....so I would intentionally make myself fall....in case I was going to fall anyways.

I eventually found that I hated snowboarding.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down, here?

I don't have a nice ending to this story. I'm not sure of the ending because, truthfully, I'm in the midst of living it right now. I don't know much. I just know about hope. And love.

Everyday I have to remind myself that there is hope that things will change within myself because I chose to love a God that loves me enough to make promises that I don't have the capacity to fathom. He loves me enough to make good on those promises, too.

And right now, I don't trust myself enough to make great things happen. I don't know very much, and I don't know very much about what my future holds. I don't know if I'm a future professional, or a stay at home mom or a student. I don't know that I have it all together, really. But I know Who does.

He says He is I AM.

Not the this or that. THE I AM.

I know that I can trust Him to make things happen. He is I AM. He's not wavering in His plans for me. He doesn't question my gifts he's given me. He knows.

I don't know about you but I'm ready and willing to follow that Guy. The I Am. Maybe I'll blog a little along the way.