Dying To Self

It would be cliche to liken my scrambling adventure with real life, but the simple fact is, they are more alike than I am comfortable to admit.  Sunday happened to be a day where I completely lost myself in the sweet love of Jesus.  The truth is, a battle of the wills has been going on for a few weeks.  I want a life for myself, and God wants another.  Well, guess who's winning?  Just a hint, it's not the mere mortal.

There was a point half way up the climb, where I was teetering two boulders.  My hands were on one, my feet on another, and a big gaping hole between them.  In that moment, I was unsure of what to do.  Fear and panic took over and I had to decide whether I was going to continue going up or decent, with the top already so close.  But at that moment, neither decision felt safe.  In every sense of the word, I was literally between a rock and a hard place.  I don't remember what I did to physically get myself out of that place, but eventually, I had to make the decision to keep moving forward, or, up as it were.  There was no glory at the bottom of the scramble. 

That's where my life has been.  God's placed it heavily on my heart to decide whether I'm going to continue on, my way, or His.  In prayer, I have offered up my concerns and asked that He take them so that I don't have to deal with them anymore.  But it hasn't been enough.  He wants more.  I know I didn't even give up my concerns, because I'd ask for answered prayer, and then I'd relinquish them again and attempt again and again and again to figure it out on my own.  God doesn't want just my fears, hopes, dreams, concerns; He wants me.  Every last part of me.

The other thing that God wants is glory.  I (you too!) was created for His glory.  That's some big shoes to fill but luckily victory comes from Him, not me.  So I'm listening to what He desires of me.  Longing to be a light, and so very thankful for His grace when I fail. 

So, am I gonna climb up the mountain or retreat to the valley?